Carcassonne: The Television Commercial July 1, 2008
Posted by thomas in : Uncategorized , trackback During a recent game of Carcassonne (pronounced “Carcass Zone” by anyone who knows anything) with my good friend Michael Harloff (he of the music and frequent mustaches), I decided that the iconic German board game would definitely benefit from a Tyco R/C inspired television commercial. When I was a kid I would have gladly parted with my left thumb and sense of smell in exchange for a remote controlled vehicle of any kind; the super caffeineted tv commercials for children’s toys only fueled my passionate hysteria. However, I saw the majority of these commercials on video tapes of cartoons sent to me in Pakistan by North American relatives, and the prospect of owning my own Tyco R/C Rebound remained nothing but a fevered pipe dream that manifested itself in seizure like symptoms. So, in that spirit, I hope that the following outline for “Carcassonne: The Television Commercial” has the potential to inspire the same spirit of crass materialism and unrequited desire in today’s children that Tyco R/C commercials once inspired in me.
Essential to “Carcassonne: The Television Commercial” is securing the services of a quality narrator. My top choice would be Will Arnett, better known as GOB from the hilarious short lived tv series, Arrested Development. His voice has the husky “je ne sais quois” element that ”Carcassonne: The Television Commercial” demands.
The scene begins with two young boys in a typical suburban living room, kneeling over a coffee table where a game of Carcassonne has already been going on for some time. As a boy lays down his tile, adding to a growing city, whispers of “Carcassonne…Carcassonne…Carcasszone, CarcassZone, Carcass Zone!” build in intensity and volume as suddenly the drab suburban surroundings of the children’s game are transformed into a medieval style battlefield.
The narrator bursts into excited and appropriately husky description: “Carcass Zone! Lay some tiles! Impress your friends! Carcass Zone!”
The boys are now dressed in chainmail; they brandish swords in one hand and play Carcassonne tiles with the other. The coffee table sits in the middle of a green field covered in the dead bodies of their fallen comrades. One boy makes a feinting stab with his sword and plays a road tile.
The narrator continues: “Score some points! Move some meeples! Be a hero!”
The boys’ mother enters the battlefield carrying a tray of lemonade and celery sticks with Cheez Whiz. Both boys make menacing gestures with their knightly weaponry and she flees screaming from the battlefield.
The narrator laughs: “Hah-hah-HAH!”
One boy slashes his opponent’s shoulder with his sword as he completes a city; the injured boy grasps his shoulder as blood spills onto his useless cloister tile.
The narrator: “Carcass Zone! Use strategy! It’s medieval! Carcass Zone!”
The game action speeds up as the stack of tiles dwindles. The players now engage in mortal combat, crossing swords and tossing tiles with abandon. The clang of swordplay dominates as the narrator punctuates the action with well placed bursts of “Yeah!” and “Alright! This is exciting!”
The action goes into slow motion as the boy with the injured arm picks up the final tile. The camera zooms in for a close up of his devious smile. He expertly ducks his opponent’s wild thrust and places the tile to complete a massive 32 point city for the victory. His opponent’s face goes blank with shock as the victorious player moves in for the kill.
The narrator: “Be triumphant! Earn adoration! Let your self-esteem soar!”
The victorious player pumps his fist and displays his opponent’s severed head to a throng of grateful villagers (including the suburban mom who has opted to serve apple slices and chocolate milk, much to the victor’s munching approval).
The narrator: “Carcass Zone! Alright! This is exciting! Carcass Zone!”
Comments»
I think some of the said “je ne sais quois” of Arnett’s voice is that creepy-stranger-offering-you-candy-while-instructing-you-to-keep-quiet-about-it quality.
And 32-point cities?? That would definitely make my self-esteem soar.
I think the end of the commercial should feature the victorious knight’s smile fading as a mob of farmers (who all have his opponent’s face) storm the city.
Also, have you ever actually made a 32-point city? Dang.
I’ve never actually made a 32 point city but I think with Gob Bluth’s encouragment I definitely could.
I will never look at Carcassonee the same way. I always saw it as a non-violent game of Christian settlement that just looks purty at the end. Boy, was I mistaken.
The narrator: “Carcass Zone! It’s non-violent! It looks pretty! Carcass Zone!”